Monday, August 11, 2008

New Jack City



Yeah yall. Before I begin this fentry, I must warn those reading to not be offended by my rant. It is here purely for entertainment and is in no way an intentional blow to hurt any feelings or bruise any ego's. Also, I must shout to Dan Severt for coining the term "New Jack" which makes me kind of a New Jack, using and writing about a term I didn't create, but as me lady Ms. Fmiley Cyrus would say, "Nobody's Perfect."


Not to be confused with New Jack Swing (BoysIIMen, ABC, BBD) a New Jack is one of those people who just irks you. They set themeselves up so easy for delegation it's almost a crime. Otherwise known as a Craftsmen (i.e. tool) clown shoes, or as Keegan Lynch would say, Crab Cake, a New Jack can be spotted by one of many attributes. The following paragraphs will serve as a public guide to spotting New Jacks, breaking down certain charactaristics. Note that just one of the following does technically classify a person as a New Jack, but in reality we are all guilty of at least one New Jack trait, so like I said above, lighten up and don't be offended.

1. SkullCandy Headphones



Ahhh... the prime example of fashion over function. Just look at these things. So awful. If you have ever worn a pair of these, you will realize that these are the opposite of quality. Plastic insides with no bass, over the top bells and whistles. Bullets on your headphones? Sorry Broohseph, but the only thing your capping is the top of that bottle of New Jack Juice you have been sipping on since you decided to make such a horrible purchase. (Ed Note: Shouts to Gage for recently stepping up his headphone game from SC's to decent pair of Sony's. It's tough to straighten teeth without quality headgear.)


2. Tribal Armband Ink



My god! People are still getting these! My question to you if you have one, what the hell tribe are you part of? Obvi its a tribe where exclusively New Jacks are accepted and sleeveless t's run rampant. More often than not, these NJ's are no stranger to Jager Bombs, Heinekens, and referring to other dudes as "Chief", when in fact, the only chief is the dude himself.... Chief of the New Jack Tribe.

3. Drugs and Alcohol



Alright, so this is kind of a grey area. Your first reaction after reading this is probably "dudes, the primary basis of your tour journal is shooters, the shakes, binges, etc." Fine, guilty as charged, but let me explain. Drugs and Alcohol do not make you cool. And what makes you less cool and more of a New Jack is bragging to others about how much you do them. Sober folks these days are so few and far between, that they are the ones who truly deserve respect. It takes a lot more to say no to that stuff than it does to give in to what the "cool kids" are doing. By no means am I Mr. Clean, but i applaud those who have the strength and ability to do as d.a.r.e. says and "Just say no" Cause while they very well will enjoy health, memory, and overall longevity, the rest of us get to look forward to Alzheimer's by age fifty.... sweet.

Damn, there are so many other things that qualify for New Jack delegation. Repeating lines from movies/television directly after they are said, hair gel, hating on Lil' Wayne, Nickleback, arguing over the internet, eyebrow rings, and faking the funk in general all fall under the category of New Jack. But once again, New Jack characterization is all in the eye of the beholder, so please take no offense to anything I say, for we are all New Jacks in some sense of the term. If you feel the need to comment, add to the list, hate, or are offended by anything I have said, feel free to comment. I thank you for your time, and hope you kind of see my humor in all of this.