Monday, August 11, 2008

New Jack City

Yeah yall. Before I begin this fentry, I must warn those reading to not be offended by my rant. It is here purely for entertainment and is in no way an intentional blow to hurt any feelings or bruise any ego's. Also, I must shout to Dan Severt for coining the term "New Jack" which makes me kind of a New Jack, using and writing about a term I didn't create, but as me lady Ms. Fmiley Cyrus would say, "Nobody's Perfect."

Not to be confused with New Jack Swing (BoysIIMen, ABC, BBD) a New Jack is one of those people who just irks you. They set themeselves up so easy for delegation it's almost a crime. Otherwise known as a Craftsmen (i.e. tool) clown shoes, or as Keegan Lynch would say, Crab Cake, a New Jack can be spotted by one of many attributes. The following paragraphs will serve as a public guide to spotting New Jacks, breaking down certain charactaristics. Note that just one of the following does technically classify a person as a New Jack, but in reality we are all guilty of at least one New Jack trait, so like I said above, lighten up and don't be offended.

1. SkullCandy Headphones

Ahhh... the prime example of fashion over function. Just look at these things. So awful. If you have ever worn a pair of these, you will realize that these are the opposite of quality. Plastic insides with no bass, over the top bells and whistles. Bullets on your headphones? Sorry Broohseph, but the only thing your capping is the top of that bottle of New Jack Juice you have been sipping on since you decided to make such a horrible purchase. (Ed Note: Shouts to Gage for recently stepping up his headphone game from SC's to decent pair of Sony's. It's tough to straighten teeth without quality headgear.)

2. Tribal Armband Ink

My god! People are still getting these! My question to you if you have one, what the hell tribe are you part of? Obvi its a tribe where exclusively New Jacks are accepted and sleeveless t's run rampant. More often than not, these NJ's are no stranger to Jager Bombs, Heinekens, and referring to other dudes as "Chief", when in fact, the only chief is the dude himself.... Chief of the New Jack Tribe.

3. Drugs and Alcohol

Alright, so this is kind of a grey area. Your first reaction after reading this is probably "dudes, the primary basis of your tour journal is shooters, the shakes, binges, etc." Fine, guilty as charged, but let me explain. Drugs and Alcohol do not make you cool. And what makes you less cool and more of a New Jack is bragging to others about how much you do them. Sober folks these days are so few and far between, that they are the ones who truly deserve respect. It takes a lot more to say no to that stuff than it does to give in to what the "cool kids" are doing. By no means am I Mr. Clean, but i applaud those who have the strength and ability to do as d.a.r.e. says and "Just say no" Cause while they very well will enjoy health, memory, and overall longevity, the rest of us get to look forward to Alzheimer's by age fifty.... sweet.

Damn, there are so many other things that qualify for New Jack delegation. Repeating lines from movies/television directly after they are said, hair gel, hating on Lil' Wayne, Nickleback, arguing over the internet, eyebrow rings, and faking the funk in general all fall under the category of New Jack. But once again, New Jack characterization is all in the eye of the beholder, so please take no offense to anything I say, for we are all New Jacks in some sense of the term. If you feel the need to comment, add to the list, hate, or are offended by anything I have said, feel free to comment. I thank you for your time, and hope you kind of see my humor in all of this.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


I know it has been a while since my last post, (except when Trash and I lost the post we made in Seattle) but I wanted to wait until I was in the right state of mind (i.e. Month long shooter binge) for this post.

Women. They're Fes! Sometimes. And like a fine wine, some of them get better with age (or they just turn sour). Soooo.... I would like to dedicate this post to a special type of woman. A species I would like to refer to as the Cougar. For those of you who have been living in a cave for the past 10 years, a cougar is a woman, more than likely divorced, who is on the hunt for younger men with solid stamina to fill an empty void their previous husband more than likely ripped from them, more than likely by hooking up with his secretary. Cougars usually have loot and they want everyone to know it. Fur Coats, diamonds and other jewelry are to be expected. And a boob job/other plastic surgery is not uncommon. Like most women, they usually run in packs, but there is a leader, (the hottest one). This is your target. The head Cougar's friends are going to hate, its a guaruntee. They're mad because you, the young dude is hitting on the leader and not them, so you just have to shake 'em off.

Once you have The Cougar in you presence, its good to offer them a drink. But like I said above, Cougars have money and they want you to know it, so it's more than likely they pick up the tab. (Which is Fes!.... Obvi!) A Cougar is going to tell you her age minus about four or five years. Sometimes they will ask you to guess their age, and once again, shoot about four or five years younger than you think. Now when they ask you your age, its smart to tell them a few years older than you are. I have made this mistake before and it sometimes scares them off if you are too young. So be careful. After that, since most Cougars were young in the 80's, that is a good subject. So study up on your knowledge of Eddy Money, Bob Segar, and John Hughes movies.

For a woman to be a true Cougar, they have to be in a ski town. Oh, What? You F'd what you thought was a Cougar in LA? Sorry, not a Cougar, just an older woman. Also, you cannot date a Cougar. She is purely there for sex and for her to buy you things with her ex husbands money. If you do start to date her, she is no longer a Cougar, but is now your Sugar Momma.

I hope this post helps all of you dudes out they're looking for older women, cause they are looking for you. They can be found in either your local martini bar, or sometimes in younger hangouts desperately trying to recapture their youth. Just tell them what they want to hear and you will be in for quite the FES! evening. GOOD LUCK!!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Excluse with... Excluse!

Variety, it's a rather essential facet of life. When it comes to jams, shooters, ladies, or even freedom, switching things up and keeping it fresh shouldn't be completely avoided. But from time to time, as in... all the time, one should master the art of being excluse. What is this "excluse" you ask? Speaking in abreves, exlcuse is short for exclusive, or exclusively. For example, I would be excluse if I was to say, "I exclusively go for married chicks at the bar." or " I exclusively don't jam to music unless it's performed by the daughter of Mr. Ray Cyrus." or even, "I exclusively frequent my blog over other blogs for my blog is not a blog, but a tour journal, therefore giving it thrice the excluseness of your blog." Reaching the highest level of exclusness, known as being "excluse, with... excluse," is comparable to harnessing chi (namaste' bitches!). All though its not completely impossible, it is a difficult level to reach. I'm sure I have been there a number of times, but currently my memory is failing me as to when, due to my excluse relationship with shooters. Exclusively speaking, excluseness is not something any New Jack can just come in and claim. I have been working on getting excluse for a myriad weekends, Tuesday nights, and Holidays I may not be exactly qualified to celebrate but do anyway, because well, I'm excluse. So log in some hours, throw back a shooter (or ten), start shot gunning all your beers and quit spreading yourself so goddamn thin. GET EXCLUSE!!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Layered Power

It's been awhile since I have posted anything on this Journal, but since the shakes are taking over my life one tremor at a time, i figured it be only crucial that I touch on a simple subject as layered music.

Layered music is basically the most FES and awe inspiring music ever! Let me clarify. Have you ever been listening to a terrible song that brings nothing to the table and all of a sudden the chorus hits with all of the members of the band and some other newjacks singing all at once? Of course you have! On the way to the liquor store for shooters you're probably cranking up your def leppard tape to 11 and joining in on the madness! What fellow freedom loving patriot wouldn't? It is such musical geniuses like Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and Van Halen that have distinguished themselves from the amateurs and run of the mill artists by utilizing there ability to all sing at once and layer on the power if you will. So many songs could have been saved by just adding on a few dudes to the chorus! Think about it, Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator to be honest probably ain't that good, but out of nowhere between shitty lyrics there's a common whooaaa...whooooa yeah! Damn it feels good when your front row hammered drunk and singing along all while punching the air above your head with the fist that isn't pressing the shooter or bottle of your finest Tennesee sour mashed to your face.

I believe it was probably during the year of 84' that this technique was used by all artists who aspired to write such lyrical masterpieces like Pour some Sugar, Living on a Prayer, Running w/ the Devil. You can't possibly sit and listen to those freedom jams without adding your own shitty voice to the chorus or layered segment. I highly suggest to any person who would like to add a little FES to their diet start by doing so with some good ol' fashioned bottle smashin' tunes. Put on unskinny bop and let Bret, Bobby, and CC attempt to sing in unison and inspire you to get off your ass and to the store for some more shooters. Before you know it, you'll feel like a giant and your shoulder will start to swell as you stab the sky with repeated Tyson like blows.

So...take my hand, we'll make it I swear...whooooooooooaaa livin' on a prayer!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Can I say.... Fes?

For the most part, this blog is comprised of random humor that Trash and I come up with out of god knows where, but today is a little different. I realized a blog without music, well, sucks! So that is why I am putting up the newest of the new mix I just finished at like 4:30 am this morning. Different from the usual "grind every girl that walks in the door" Electro mixes I have been making lately, but I'm pretty stoked on it, so I'm giving you the play by play of what's on it cause that seems like the cool ting to do these days when it comes to mixes. First and for most, here is the link for download.

What I Would Do For You ( Right click and save as on "Click here to start download)

1. Slightly Stoopid - I Would Do For You

This is my jam. Probably my flavorite SS song right now. And by the way, how many DJ's start a mix off with Slightly Stoopid jams anyway. Only one I can think of. ;)

2. The Roots - Sacrifice

Had no clue this song featured Nelly Furtado until about 8 seconds ago, but I guess I can deal with that. Out of the 2.3 times I have seen these guys live, the Phrenology show was for sure the best. So much more raw energy than the other ones I have seen. Not sure about their new new shit, but they are the only all black band to be signed to a major, so that's cool.

3. MIA - Paper Planes (DFA Remix)

I could never hear the original of this song again and probably die satisfied. MIA's shtick of shouting incoherent rambles will only last do long. (I give it 6 more months) , but the dudes from DFA gave this a proper remix that makes it fresh once again. And no gunshots, sorry.

4. The Doors - Riders on The Storm (JayCeeOh Edit)

The Doors with drums behind. Need I say more?

5.Belle X1 - Flame (Chicken Lipps remix)

First heard this on the Cut Copy "So Cosmic" Mix a while back and it was for sure the standout track. I have never even heard the OG, and to tell you the truth I don't want to for fear of ruining everything about this song. Supposedly, the band is essentially Juniper minus Damien Rice. Wouldn't call this song tough, but I dig it anyway.

6. Calvin Harris - Merrymaking

Calvin Harris is the man. Scotland STAND UP!! First heard this song through a big room house remix that DeadMau5 did, then heard the original, told the other version to beat it. Track is about casually doing drugs, and cold chillin'. Merrymaking in other words. Can't hate.

7. DJ Day - Gone Bad

I don't think I will ever get tired of this song. Drum breaks, melodious singing, and a brief synth solo. Key elements to a solid track.

8. South Rakkas Crew - Mad Again (Diplo's Club Edit)

Watch out for these dudes in the years to come. Who da thunk that two dudes from Toronto could make such dope DanceHall Riddims. Check their EP on iTunes called the Mix Up EP. Cooler than your Brisk Iced Tea

9. Ghostland Observitory - Dancing on my Grave

Of all people, my brother the Janster turned me onto this band and I can't get enough of em. Two dudes on Fes Keys and drum machines singing about some odd stuff, but jamming none the less.

10. Dragonette - I Get Around (Midnight Juggernauts Remix)

Never even heard the OG to this, but word is it's lame, so thank god the dudes from Midnight Juggernauts made this cool and somewhat danceable.

Hmmm, I feel like I'm forgetting something. Guess not. This ones short but I dig it and so should you so download away. ( If you can't download it for some odd reason, I would be happy to send it to you if you hit me with your address and send me a fistfull of shooters in return!)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Hell Bent For Shooters

People just don't understand. Recently, I took a routine trip to my local Liquor Store, to purchase a handfull (literally) of shooters before work since my place of employment doesn't serve booze and I can get drink on the low if I so please. As I pointed to which shooters I wished to purchase, the cashier looked at me with a somewhat confused stare, then proceeded to tell me as follows "You know, its cheaper if you just buy a half-pint." I returned her remark with a menacing glare, a grimace if you will, then stated "Thank you not. I will take... the shooters." I didn't feel like explaining to her why I prefer the shooters, over a seemingly "smarter purchase", but I will take the time to explain to you why shooters, are more Fes, than pints, half pints, 2-6's or even half G's.

1. Shooters, make you feel like a giant. I'm no Karreem Abdul Jabbar, so I need every boost of confidence I can get when it comes to physical height. And if I need shooters to make me feel that way, then so be it.

2. You can fit waaaaayyy more shooters in a fmini-fridge. How many half-G's can you fit in a fmini-fridge? Like two? At fmost? I say fuck that! How are you going to reach in and man more than one of those half-G's with one hand? I'll tell you how. You're not. I can fit like eight shooters in one hand. I know, its amazing.

3. Variety. So maybe I like to party, and need a different shot, every time I take a shot. What can I say? I like freedom.

4. Finally, and most importantly. Shooters. There for the ladies. When the ladies arrive, I guarentee first question coming from their mouth's will be "Where are these shooters?" If you lack shooters, the fladies? They're gone. But if you have shooters, you should have no problem. Obvi, I would have shooters in hand, so the only question asked would be "Can I, have one of those shooters?" My initial reaction might be Fes you fmay! But then, I might have to say, Fno fway! For fyou're fnot Fes enough.

So as I crack this mini guy of JB black label, I think back to that cashier and her poor suggestions, then I tip 'er back with the upmost of satisfaction, because I have just purchased shooters, many of them, for I, Tipsy McStaggerwald, am Hell Bent For Shooters.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Shakes! Pt. 1

It was only mid afternoon yesterday when I found it was time to make a post on a subject that requires very little explaining. If you are FES, and have stuck to your guns on living FES, you know all to well about a certain symptom of being FES that will happen to you whether you want it to or not! What is this symptom you ask, well if you're truly asking because you don't know, I kindly ask you to get the fuck off this site because you are nothing but FNO! But for those of you wanting my explanation, the symptom I want to discuss is the shakes. If it wasn't for the shakes, I could've written this yesterday, but my shakes had a different schedule for me! As I sat down to the diaries, my hands could not just focus on hitting one key at a time. It was more like an earthquake that was rocking my world and there was no end in sight. Unless there is a bottle close enough for you to smash open, since your hands don't want to work well enough to unscrew the cap, you stand no chance of winning this battle. But there are two ways to look at the situation and this is where I find hope! One, most people might sit and cry themselves to sleep thinking they have a problem, and if you are one of them, I kindly ask you to leave this site as well since it's impossible to sleep through a real set of the shakes and you're lying to yourself and me! On the other hand, you could look at it the only way somebody who is FES would, and that is to embrace the shakes. I find myself after a routine 3-5 day bender comparing my shakes to others who have joined me on this toxic journey. It is a sign of just how much more fun you had then them if your hand shakes harder and more violently, pat yourself on the back, you win! And you should force your friend who lost, to drive to the liquor store only to replenish your shooter stash! This is only Pt. 1 of who knows how many, this will be a popular topic for me with many different angles to explore. My shakes are disappearing which only means one thing, it's time to start up the party machine all over again! Fist pumps and freedom, I flove em!